Note: This story was inspired by the recent 'discussions' regarding New Trainers. All of this praise for the genre made me think of what exactly most New Trainers are comprised of. Read at your own risk!
A Poke-parody written by Guess Who?
Pokemon and its associated characters
copyright by Nintendo / Game Freak.
The New Trainer!
by Ace Sanchez
Blink. Blink. Tom opened his eyes to wakefulness. Sunlight streamed in through his bedroom window as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyelids. There was something special about today ... what was it again? Suddenly he remembered!
"It's Christmas!" Tom shouted in glee as he jumped out of bed. "I hope Santa got me what I wanted!"
Abruptly a chair smashed into the side of his head knocking him to the ground and almost unconscious.
"EWWWW! Put some clothes on first Nerd-boy!" his older sister, Samantha said, as she stood by the door to his bedroom. She was brushing her long blonde hair with a comb and by the look of her bath-robe and dampness, was just out of the shower.
Tom burst out crying. "MOOOOOOMMM! Samantha threw the chair at me again! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
Finally Tom sat at the foot of their Christmas tree and was just about to open his presents. His eyes got big after he spotted the circular-shaped one with a card attached to it that said, "Merry Christmas, Darling! From Santa Claus."
His mom was sitting down on the lounge with an all-too-innocent look on her face. "So what did Santa get you this year, Darling?"
"It's probably a lump of coal," Samantha said as she played around with her new cellular phone.
Tom stuck his tongue out at her. "No way! I've been so good this year. He should have got me what I wrote on the list!"
Samantha rolled her blue eyes. "'Wrote' barely counts. If I hadn't translated that list for Mom you probably would have gotten those teletubby dolls instead."
Tom smirked at her. "Fat lot you know! What would Mom have to do with it when the list was for Santa Claus?"
Samantha stared. "Yeah ... right," she finally said as she went back to fiddling with her phone.
But Tom ignored her as he started to rip the wrapping from the ball- shaped present. Gradually, a red and white metallic and plastic device was revealed. "ALRIGHT! A poke-ball!" he shouted in glee as he stood up and pulled a V-sign with his fingers.
"I don't know why you like that Pockymon crap anyway," Samantha said snidely. "You're supposed to be in Junior High."
"So what did you get, Darling?" his mom said with that still all-too- obviously-innocent look to her face.
"Poke-ball, go!!!" Tom shouted as he threw the ball. Unfortunately his grip slipped slightly so the ball was thrown at the wall, whereupon it rebounded and cracked him on the forehead, knocking him flat on his back, dazed.
"You moron," Samantha said without looking.
As Tom blinked and tried to get up, the ball landed in front of him and opened with a flash of red light. A humanoid, purple-coloured figure with feline features and a long thick tail materialised into thin air.
"I got MEWTWO!!!" Tom said, striking another pose with the victory sign on his fingers. He looked up at the sky. Or really the ceiling since that was in the way. "Thanks, Santa!"
"You're welcome," his mom said.
The bipedal pokemon that had just come from the ball sighed. It covered its forehead with one hand and a psychic voice that sounded vaguely annoyed floated in the air around them. "OH GREAT, NOT ANOTHER NEW TRAINER FIC. THIS IS THE FIFTH ONE I'VE BEEN IN THIS MONTH ALONE."
"What's a New Trainer fic?" Tom asked.
Mewtwo sighed again. "I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS."
"Back in your ball, Mewtwo!" Tom decided after lifting his poke-ball to shoot a thin red beam at it.
Mewtwo's eyes glowed yellow and the ball abruptly exploded in Tom's hand in a shower of metallic and cheap plastic parts. Tom started crying again.
"You would have been better off with the teletubbies or the lump of coal," Samantha said with a smirk.
Tom then let up his crying and was only reduced to sniffles now. "Why doesn't Cousin Ash have this kind of trouble with his pokemon?"
BOOM! A swirling dark vortex erupted into being in the middle of the living room! A second later, a boy with spiky black hair underneath a red cap worn sideways and in jeans and a black shirt jumped out. He had a supremely annoyed look on his face which was matched by the yellow electric mouse on his shoulder. "Alright, this New Trainer fic has gone on long enough!" the boy said as he shook his head. "Saying that I'm related to you was the last straw! How many fanfic cliches are you going to use here???"
Tom looked confused again. "What's a fanfic cliche?"
Suddenly another person jumped from out of the vortex. A pretty girl with red hair set in a horizontal ponytail and wearing a skimpy yellow shirt open at the middle and jeans shorts-shorts. Upon seeing Tom she whooped in delight and ran over to hug him. "Oh TOM! My Darling love! I'm Misty from Cerulean City and as soon as I saw you I fell in love!!!" She looked like she was going to swoon in delight.
"Well that's one for starters," Ash said with a hint of barely-disguised disgust as he dragged Misty off him.
"Can I help it if I'm naturally irresistable?" Tom said as he brushed his hair back with his fingers and tried to look cool. Unfortunately whatever effect it was supposed to have was ruined by a chair landing on his head with a crash, knocking him silly.
"Like, in your dreams," Samantha said dryly as she dusted off her hands.
"Now this is your first warning!" Ash said, grunting, as he forcibly shoved Misty-with-lovehearts-in-her-eyes back into the portal. "If this New Trainer fic ends up being too much the same old (CENSORED) I am revoking your fanfic liscense and the boys at Nintendo are going to be making a short visit..."
He was about to step back into the portal himself when Mewtwo suddenly spoke up with its psychic voice. "NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE ARE YOU?" it said in a desperate tone.
Ash paused. "Look, you think I give Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres vacations? We all have to do the fics, even the New Trainer ones!"
"BUT I'M SICK OF HANGING AROUND WITH THOSE GUYS!" Mewtwo pleaded. "ALL WE EVER DO ARE NEW TRAINER FICS. WHY CAN'T I DO SOMETHING ELSE FOR ONCE?"
Sighing, Ash shook his head. "Well you'll just have to cope with it. I don't hear the three legendaries complaining do I?"
"THAT'S COZ THEY CAN'T TALK!"
"Details, details," Ash said as he jumped back into the portal. "Don't worry, we'll give you a raise when you come back to the real Pokemon Universe." The portal squeaked, shrunk to a vertical line which spun around and winked out.
For a moment, everything was silent. Then Mewtwo glanced at Tom still lying on the ground dazed with the chair sitting on his head. "IT BETTER BE A LOT."
"I wonder what my friends, Dick and Harry got for Christmas," Tom said as he walked down the old dirt road toward town.
His new Mewtwo was hovering along behind him with its arms folded and a petulant look on its feline face. "OH I REALLY WONDER," it said sarcastically.
"They better have got something good because later today we have to leave for our-"
"POKEMON JOURNEY," Mewtwo finished with a tired look on its face.
"How did you know that?" Tom asked.
"I HAVE MY SOURCES."
"Tom, I challenge you to a Pomemon battle!" someone suddenly shouted out.
Grinning in anticipation, Tom turned to find Nigel, one of his neighbours standing at the gate of his house on the side of the road.
"Sure thing!" Tom struck a pose. "Mewtwo, I chose you!"
"WHATEVER," Mewtwo said, yawning.
"That's nothing!" Nigel cried. "Ranma, I chose you!!!" He threw a poke- ball out on to the road whereupon a sixteen year old guy with black hair worn in a pigtail and wearing chinese-style clothing appeared out of it looking a bit confused.
"Where am I?" the pokemon said, scratching its head. "One moment, I'm about to sample Akane's Christmas Special when suddenly I'm right here!" He paused, brightening. "Wait at least I don't have to eat her cooking now!" he said joyously.
"OH GREAT, NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER," Mewtwo said.
The pokemon-pigtailed-guy noticed it and began to stare. His features paled as white as snow. "C-C-C-CAT!" he yelled. He began to run away.
Nigel chased after him. "Wait, Ranma, get back here! Ranma, do the Amaguriken ... RANMA!!!"
Tom stared after them for a while. "I really don't get this."
Mewtwo folded its arms. "THATS BECAUSE THIS IS A REALLY CRAP FIC."
"So what did you get?" Tom asked his friend Harry as they stood on the porch of his house.
"Check it out, dude!" Harry said as he took three poke-balls out of his pocket.
"You got three?" Tom said as he looked on eviously. "What are they?"
Mewtwo sighed. "ARTICUNO, ZAPDOS AND MOLTRES."
"Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres!" Harry shouted in pride as he threw all three pokemon out in the air. In flashes of awe-inspiring light, the three legendary birds of Ice, Electricity and Fire erupted outward and swooped in the sky in dazzling displays of aerial acrobatics.
"Totally cool!" Tom said as he watched them in awe.
"Yeah, like totally, dude."
Tom sighed. "You're lucky, I only got a Mewtwo."
A chair suddenly appeared out of psychic energy in Mewtwo's hands which it just smashed over Tom's head. Tom crumpled to the ground like a squashed aluminium can. "SAMANTHA WAS RIGHT, THIS IS PRETTY FUN," it said in satisfaction.
Harry recalled his three legendaries back into their balls without even a glance at his friend. "Dude, let's go see what Dick got from Santa."
Tom just groaned in pain.
"So Dick, what'd ya get?" Tom asked Dick as they all stood on his porch.
"Yeah, dude, like totally," Harry put in.
Mewtwo was desperately trying not to burst out laughing as he stared at 'Dick'. "THAT'S YOUR FRIEND?"
"Yeah, Dick's the third guy in our exclusive group," Tom explained.
"Like totally," Harry said.
Mewtwo hovered over to Dick and tapped it with its finger. "BUT THIS IS JUST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT," it said with a snort of laughter.
"Don't tease him," Tom said in defence of his friend. "He's just the silent type."
"Yeah. Totally Dude," Harry explained.
"I'VE HEARD ABOUT CHARACTERS SO FAKE THEY WERE TWO-DIMENSIONAL BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS," Mewtwo said.
"So what pokemon did he get?" Tom asked.
Mewtwo studied the cardboard cutout. "THESE MUST BE IT." He ripped off the flat round cardboard pokeballs that were attached to 'Dick's' hand.
"Hey, you ripped off two of Dick's fingers!" Tom said appalled.
"IT'S ONLY A CARDBOARD CUTOUT!" Mewtwo shouted in exasperated annoyance. "NOW HERE, OPEN THE POKE-BALLS YOURSELF," it said, handing the 'poke- balls' to him.
"Poke-ball go!" Tom shouted as he threw them. But the flat discs of cardboard just flew away like frisbees until they smashed through the window of the house across the street.
Immediately, old lady Graham exploded out the friont door waving a large frying pan. "You little brats come here and take your medicine!"
"Runnnnn!" Tom shouted as he picked up 'Dick' and ran off with the cardboard cutout beneath one arm.
"Like totally!" Harry agreed as he followed.
Mewtwo sighed for the umpteenth time as it began to fly after them. "THAT RAISE BETTER BE A REALLY BIG ONE."
"So what do we do now?" Tom said as leaned against the wall of a shop in the middle of town.
"Like totally," Harry said.
"WEREN'T YOU GOING ON A JOURNEY?" Mewtwo asked as it floated nearby in a lotus position checking out chicks as they walked past.
"Oh, that's right," Tom said, scratching his head. "But I think we're supposed to do something here in Fake Town first. Any ideas, Dick?"
"..." the cardboard cutout said.
"Cool idea, Dick!" Tom suddenly shouted out loud after a few minutes of concentration.
"Totally awesome, dude," Harry encouraged.
"WHAT DID HE SAY?" Mewtwo asked absentmindedly as it stared raptly at a particularly busty blonde walking down the sidewalk.
"He said we should call the Nintendo Helpline," Tom said as he began running over to the nearest video-phone.
THREE DAYS LATER...
"Good morning, you have reached the Nintendo Helpline," the electronic female voice said pleasantly on the phone.
Mewtwo nudged the sleeping Tom as he lay face-first upon the video console.
"Wha, what?" Tom said, still half asleep.
"I THINK YOU FINALLY GOT THROUGH."
"Really?" Tom said, yawning. He listened to the electronic female voice on the phone some more.
"Please be sure that a Nintendo representative is urgently making his or her way to answer your call. You the customer are very important to us. For now, please hold some more and listen to our delightful music." A purple dinosaur face appeared on the video console's screen. "HYUCK! Hi kids! Now let's all join in! I love you, you love me, we're all-"
"Please let me die," Tom said, banging his head on the video-phone.
Mewtwo began powering up with bright blue psychic energy. "WOULD YOU LIKE A LONG-SUFFERING DEATH OR A QUICK PAINLESS ONE?"
"N-Noo! It was only a figure of speech!"
Mewtwo snapped its fingers. "DARN."
ONE WEEK LATER...
"Hello, this is Leanne from the Ninteno Helpline speaking." Sounds of gum-chewing. "How can I help you?"
"Finally!" Tom said as he scratched the sleep from his eyes and sat up.
"Oops, sorry. It's time for my coffee-break. Please hold." Sounds of static. Then, "I love you, you love me! We're all one big-"
TWO WEEKS LATER...
"Now if you'd PLEASE tell me what we have to do before we leave Fake Town?" Tom pleaded into the receiver.
Sounds of gum chewing. "Well, like that's pretty easy. All you have to do is beat Fake Town's Gym Leader."
"Gym Leader? But I didn't even know we had one!"
"Well, there wasn't one until today when old man Satoshi suddenly decided that Fake Town needed one." Gum chewing. "Yesterday since there wasn't a Gym Leader you could have left without doing anything."
"Gah. Well then could you please tell me who the Gym Leader is?"
Sounds of keyboard tapping. "Says here that it's someone named, 'Acey.'"
"Acey? But he's the Village Idiot! I thought he didn't even have any pokemon."
"Look, I answer questions only. All I know is that Acey will be a serious threat so you better watch out."
"Well, says here that he's a character of type SI which stands for Self Insertion. They are typically God-like beings with no weaknesses whatsoever."
Gum chewing yet again. Then," Sorry, your time limit has expired. You'll have to hang up and rejoin the calling queue if you want more questions answered..." Vague sounds of someone on talking on another line. "Look, we don't sell Pokemon cards! This is a helpline, Sir, a helpine!-"
Tom hung up and turned to his friends and pokemon who were sitting up on their sleeping bags. "It looks like we have to beat the Gym Leader, Acey, before we can leave on our journey."
"Like totally?" Harry asked.
"..." Dick said.
"Yeah, that's what she told me. Should be a cinch since I think Acey isn't even a Pokemon Trainer."
"IT DOESN'T MATTER," Mewtwo said. "SINCE ACEY IS AN SI CHARACTER, HE'LL BE UNBEATABLE. YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP AND STAY HERE IN FAKE TOWN WORKING FOR MC DONALDS OR SOMETHING."
"Well, you're supposed to be the most powerful pokemon right? How can I lose?"
Tom, with Dick and Harry behind him as well as Mewtwo, pressed the doorbell. Ding dong!
"Acey, I challenge you for a badge!" Tom cried out in an authoritive tone.
The door creaked open a crack and a guy with longish black hair and grey eyes stared out at them with an amused grin on his face. "And who might you be?"
"I'm Tom, and these are my friends, Dick and Harry. We've come to challenge you for the .... say what kind of badge is it that you have?"
Acey blinked. "I actually haven't thought of what badge I offer yet. Hold that thought and meet me in the garage. It's over to the side." He slammed the door shut and there was the sound of running feet.
Tom looked at Mewtwo as they strolled off to the garage. "He doesn't look so tough to me."
"JUST REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST. SELF INSERTION CHARACTER."
"What exactly is a Self-Insertion character?" Tom asked.
Mewtwo seemed to think for a few seconds. "BASICALLY IT IS A CHARACTER IN A FIC WHO IS TOTALLY IMMORTAL, ALWAYS WINS, HAS NO DIRECT FAULTS, SOLVES EVERYONE'S PROBLEMS, IS INCREDIBLY SMART AND GOOD-LOOKING AND ALWAYS HAS THE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER, FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM OR HER."
"You mean, kind of like a New Trainer?"
"TA SELF INSERTION IS A KIND OF NEW TRAINER BUT MUCH MORE POWERFUL."
"I don't care! I'm going to be like Cousin Ash and never give up!"
Suddenly a small portal appeared above Tom's head and a fist came out and bonked him one.
"I am not related to you! Now goodbye!" The hand retreated back into the small vortex and it winked out.
When they reached the side of the house where the garage was, the roller doors began to roll up, letting them see inside. It was kind of dark, but Tom could pick out the extreme messiness of the place, with bits of cars, tools, lawn mowers and what-have-yous all scattered about the floor. Acey was at the back wearing a baggy grey jumper, black jeans and sneakers.
"Now who shall challenge me for the, uhhh, the Stupid Badge!" Acey said, his grey eyes seeming to be glowing in the relative darkness of the room.
"The Stupid Badge?" Tom asked curiously.
Acey pulled out a small piece of paper with sticky-tape attached to it. "Yeah, this is it. You wear this piece of paper stuck to your clothes."
"But it says, 'Kick Me' on it," Tom protested.
Acey shrugged. "A badge is a badge."
"Okay, dude, I'll like totally challenge you then!" Harry said as he pulled out his three poke-balls.
At that moment a girl with shortish black hair came in through the back and stood next to Acey.
"Oh, this is just Sakywaky, my mascot. She brings me good luck," Acey explained.
"Actually, I'm trying to give you bad luck, Aceywacey," Sakywaky said with an impish grin on her lips.
"Whatever," Acey said, shrugging his shoulders. He turned his attention back on them. "Okay, Mister Whoever-your-name-is. The rules are, any of your pokemon against mine. No time limit, let the battle begin!"
"Like, I totally choose ... Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres!" Harry began to throw his three poke-balls into the air.
"Blackie, I choose you!" Acey interrupted as he threw something extremely hard at Harry's head. With a loud crack it collided into his forehead and Harry fell over unconscious with a huge bruise on his face. The three balls he held rolled out of his palms unopened.
"I win," Acey said, smiling, as he blew some strands of black hair away from his eyes and picked up the thing that he had thrown.
"You cheated!" Tom accused. "That wasn't a pokemon!"
"Is so!" Acey defended. "I got it from Santa just like everyone else did this Christmas!" He lifted it up to show them.
"That's a lump of coal, not a pokemon!" Tom cried out.
"It is so a pokemon," Acey retaliated. "You're hurting Blackie's feelings!" he said as he rubbed the piece of coal affectionately with a finger.
"GIVE IT A REST," Mewtwo said. "AN SI ALWAYS GETS THEIR WAY."
"Fine then," Tom said angrily. "Dick you wanna go next or will I? Dick ... Dick!"
"Who's Dick?" Acey asked.
"He was the other guy who was with me!"
"Oh, you mean the piece of cardboard? Sorry, but my dog needed something to piss on really quick and I didn't think you'd need it anymore," Acey said. He had an embarrassed look on his face.
Tom's vision turned to a haze of red. "I shall avenge my fallen friends! Mewtwo I choose you!"
"WHATEVER," Mewtwo said.
"Alright, in that case, Baseball Bat, I choose you!" Acey cried out as he pulled one out which had been leaning on the wall and hefted it threateningly.
"Baseball Bat?" Tom asked. "Now that's definitely not a pokemon!"
"Says you! Baseball Bat, Big Swing, now!" Acey cried as he ran up, swung, and smashed Tom in the kneecaps powerfully with the big steel bat. There was a sickening crunching sound as Tom toppled over screaming deliriously in pain.
"ARRGHHHH! Mewtwo aren't you going to do anything???" Tom squealed as he lay with his legs seemingly bent in impossible postions.
But Mewtwo was busy playing Street Fighter Alpha 3 on Acey's Playstation. "SORRY. BUSY PLAYING," it said as it psychically manipulated the joystick. "YEAH!!! HADOKEN! SHORYUKEN!"
"Hah!" Acey said as he rested his Baseball Bat on one shoulder. "It was a mistake to have such a high level pokemon for your starter! Don't you ever play the Gameboy game? They never obey!" He chuckled. "I mean, you don't even have a Stupid Badge yet! New Trainers never learn! Now goodbye..." He put away the baseball bat and removed the lump of coal from his pocket. As he prepared to pitch it, his grey eyes began to glow evilly. "Now then ... Blackie, finish him!"
All Tom saw before he went unconscious was the black piece of coal heading directly between his eyes...
Tom and his friends continually tried to challenge Acey the Gym Leader of Fake Town but each time they always lost. But Tom, trying to be as stubborn as Ash never gave up. But unlike Ash, he never ended up winning either.
Mewtwo ended up finding a girl Mewtwo. They fell in love, had 2.5 baby Mewtwos and lived happily everafter... well not really. He just ended up going back to the real Pokemon World and received a raise. But he was still forced to do more New Trainer fics to his supreme annoyance.
But what was the real moral of the story? Never ever challenge Self Insertion characters!
INTERESTING FACT #1
Why was Acey's Lum of coal so hard? Little did anyone know Santa had run out of coal that Christmas (due to popular demmand) so he had to start painting actual rocks black to keep up with it.
INTERESTING FACT #2
The ending of this story sucks because the author was tired of writing it. Then again, every part of this story sucked didn't it?
INTERESTING FACT #3
This fic was not spell-checked or grammar-checked to keep up with the style of actual New Trainer fics.
INTERESTING FACT #4
There is no interesting fact #4. But there are plenty of boring ones. Like the author downloaded Textpad version 4 to type this in and was continually annoyed by the nag screens.
And so we finally come to...
(Sounds of cheering)
Liked the story? Or hated it? You can tell me at email@example.com
And remember... this is a parody! If you were offended by this piece, lighten up! ^_^;; I'm well-aware that a lot of other genres aren't up to scratch either, it's just that NT's are so much more easier to pick on ^_^;;
And by the way, I think people were too hard on Koalakiller. My guess is he just read another fic like this one and just blew up ^_^.
Bye everyone! And have a Happy New Year!